Kenshin's a WHAT?
by Lexi Teniro
Summary: You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll run away screaming 'MY EYES' and shrieking like a little girl! Just what IS Kenshin anyway? It's not what you think! ...Or is it? [Chapter 3: DOUBLE ENCORE! Even MORE mini hilarity!]
1. Kenshin's a WHAT?

**Kenshin's a WHAT?**

The cast of Rurouni Kenshin were randomly poofed OUT of the plot and INTO Ficland. How? No one knows…but they were.

"Misao-chan…Kenshin is a woman." Kaoru said.

"NANI?" The kunoichi cried. No one else noticed that either had spoken. Of course.

"You mean you didn't notice?"

"N-no…"

"I mean, have you ever seen Kenshin shirtless?"

"Yeah! Tons!" Misao said. "Not that I look…" She added hurriedly.

"WITHOUT the chest bindings."

"…"

"We-ell?"

"…"

Kaoru grinned triumphantly. "Toldja!"

"B-but…" Misao gestured feebly at a three-year-old Kenji.

"Who said he was Kenshin's?"

Misao stared.

"Hmm?" Kaoru asked with a smile.

"B-but…how many red-heads are there running around Japan?" The girl shot out.

"Two words. Foreign Embassy."

Misao stared.

"You know, some of those Irish guys are pretty attractive…" Kaoru mused.

Misao kept staring.

Kaoru noticed Misao's semi-catatonic state and poked her with her bokken. "Misao-chan?"

Misao didn't stop staring.

The other girl sighed. "Kenshin wears PINK."

"She…HE told me it was faded magenta!"

"It's most definitely pink."

"Magenta."

"Pink. Plus, Kenshin does laundry for fun!"

"That's a little sexist of you…" Accused Misao.

Kaoru scoffed. "PAH-LEASE. This is MEIJI."

"I'm still not convinced."

"She gets WAY too much pleasure from handling a sword."

"You can't prove that!"

"She said 'me gusta el sakabato'!"

" 'I like the sakabato'…? What's wrong with that?"

"Nonono…it's 'the sakabato pleases me'."

Misao stared.

"Convinced?"

"NO!" Misao yelled. Still no one noticed.

"He ogles Aoshi's ass." Stated Kaoru.

Misao stared AGAIN. This time in horror. "NOOOO! MY AOSHI-SAMA!" She grabbed the said ex-Okashira and hugged him protectively.

"Misao…let go…" He said, emotionlessly as always.

"Do I win?" Kaoru said impatiently.

"Yeah, fine. Kenshin's a woman."

Aoshi pried Misao off him. "Very good in bed."

"Quite fiery." Saito said, lighting a cigarette.

"A regular little vixen." Sanosuke put in.

"Yumm-mmy!" Added Soujiro.

Misao stared.

Kaoru stared.

Megumi stared.

"KENSHIN'S NOT ONLY A WOMAN, SHE'S A WHORE!" Kaoru shrieked.

Saito smirked widely. "Who said Kenshin was a woman?"

**.x.x.x.x.**

A/N: IS Kenshin male? We shall never know…review, onegai! Hope it was sufficiently laugh/cry/scream 'MY EYES!'…reviewenheimer!


	2. Saito's a WHAT?

**Kenshin's A WHAT?**

**Encore!**

**OR:**

**Saito's A WHAT?**

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Lexi: Due to the IMMENSE popularity of this fic (43 REVIEWS! WHOO!), I have written an encore. This is the same ONLY in that, a) it makes fun of a character, and b) it is very short.

Sano: So, who're ya torturing this chapter?

Lexi: (GRIN) Wolfie-poo!

Saito: (Chokes on cigarette)

Lexi: You're gonna need that! Now ON WITH THE FIC!

**.x.x.x.x.**

The cast was once again in ficland. They were very put-out at this, being that it meant that one of their number was about to die of embarrassment in front of thousands of readers the world over. Needless to say, no one was very happy.

"Tokio-san…Saito's a pothead." Kaoru whispered.

Due to the fact that Tokio is never shown in the series and thus does not exist, there was no reply. So, once again, Kaoru found herself talking to Misao.

"Misao-chan…Saito's a pothead." Kaoru whispered.

"That makes sense." She nodded.

Everyone agreed. Except Kenshin. He was still off dying of shame from the last chapter…but no one really cared.

Oh, and the said cop didn't agree either.

"Hn." He commented and lit another cigarette.

"Those cigarettes are WAY too addicting for them to just be normal. He's totally smoking something stronger." Misao reasoned.

"And if they WERE authentic nicotine cigarettes, he would most certainly have expired due to lung cancer by now." Megumi added. The rest stared at her blankly.

"In English, please?" Kaoru asked.

"You mean Japanese." Misao corrected.

"But this is an English fic." Kaoru countered.

"But we're IN Japan!" Misao shot back.

"Shut UP!" Sano moaned, holding his head. "This crap is giving me a headache!"

"ANYway…" Megumi continued. "I've heard him say that drinking makes him want to kill people. Since he always wants to do that ANYWAY, it must be something in the so-called 'cigarettes'!"

"That makes sense." Kaoru nodded.

Everyone agreed. Except, of course, Kenshin.

"Hn." Saito lit his 26th cigarette.

Misao adopted her 'thinking pose'. "He DOES smoke an awful lot of them…"

Aoshi nodded. "28."

Kaoru's jaw dropped. "Two cigarettes in two paragraphs?"

They all stared at Saito.

He glared back.

Kenshin walked in. "What did this one miss, de gozaru ka?"

Insert mass face-fall here.

Once they had all pried their heads out of the floor, Saito sighed.

"Fine, I admit it. They're not real cigarettes. They ARE helping me get a fix."

All smirked triumphantly. "WE KNEW IT!"

But Sano, ever the perceptive one (The world: SNORT), noticed something amiss. "Wait…they're not pot! And it's SURE not a marijuana fix he's getting!"

Misao grabbed one and sniffed it. "Yup. It's official. The cop is addicted to…"

Kaoru stared at them. "LOLLIPOP STICKS!"

**.x.x.x.x.**

Lexi: Er…that's it. I MIGHT add more chapters, if the inspiration strikes me.

Sano: Let's hope it doesn't…

Lexi: (GLARE) ANYwho, thanks goes to…(deep breath)…**La'Ruelia, Jasmine Reinier, loveandpeace522, Khrysalis, Crystal Koneko, lolo popoki, Khmer Moon Blossoms, sueb262, Sou-chans' gurl 4-ever, kawaiimeeh, vampiremistress6665, gabyhyatt, Swirly, dayof46, o wowowoow, JJ-love, Peacebunnie, mangamaniac, FoReVeRSaNzO, Islaille, Double Entendre, Sakura's Shadows, Viperthe strange, Azimel, Chibi Binasu-chan, Subtle Illusions, Dark Anime Love, GreenEyedFloozy, megas15, Ladyofthenight, Shadow Cutter, openwindow, Hana Rui, inuyasha123poof, Kenshin's Soul, Leah T, Yami Chikara, FirefliesWish, Anime#1Fan, Ayuka, and haruko sohma**. Did you guys know that 43 is one of my lucky numbers? Well, you do now.

Sano: And now…review.

Lexi: I am a review fiend and proud of it. I will also take ideas, tho' that doesn't mean I'll do them. But you'll never know 'less you review, ne? (Grin)


	3. Hiko's a WHAT?

**Kenshin's A WHAT?**

**Double Encore!**

**OR:**

**Hiko's A WHAT?**

Disclaimer: Still don't own!

Lexi: (Dancing) Finally I got the inspiration to write another one! With Hiko this time, thanks to **Blue Wallpaper** for the character! So this chapter is dedicated to her!

Hiko: (Glint) The whole fanfiction should have been dedicated to me from the start!

Lexi: …Yeah, sure. Whatever you say. I'll just start.

NOTE: This is slightly different from the previous. Different time frame, for one. And a little…I dunno, just different.

**.x.x.x.x.**

A little itty-bitty wee Kenshin of about the age of twelve, with a little itty-bitty wee ponytail and a little itty-bitty wee gi that was a nice shade of green that made him look more Irish than ever, especially in conjunction with the little itty-bitty wee adjectives being used on him, was walking to bring his full bucket of water back to his sensei's hut.

Or maybe a house.

No one knows.

To little itty-bitty wee Kenshin, it was a house, because he was even more little, itty-bitty, and wee than he is now.

Roughly the size of a squirrel, really.

But more Irish-looking.

Anyway.

So he was about to go into Hiko's house/hut/shelter when he heard some strange noises coming from behind the woodpile. Naturally, little itty-bitty wee Kenshin was horribly curious. And as he was the size of a squirrel and not a cat, his curiosity was perfectly safe. He set down the appropriately sized little itty-bitty wee bucket of water and headed over. His little itty-bitty wee eyes that were a different color depending on who was writing the fanfiction peeked over the top and widened in shock.

Hiko was God of the Squirrels.

Yes, the thirteenth master of Hiten Mitsurugi Ryuu was GOD OF THE SQUIRRELS.

Their ultimate ruler.

They were singing to him.

In Squirrel.

Which Kenshin, being the little itty-bitty wee size of them, could understand perfectly.

"Oooooh, dear Hiko-sama! We love you, Hiko-sama! We heap tribute of nuts upon you!"

Hiko sparkled. "I have no need of nuts, my little itty-bitty wee furry subjects."

"Then what do you desire, oh Hiko-sama?"

He sparkled again. "All that I wish, I can easily attain. For I am the mighty Hiko-sama. I Am God."

To prove his point, he smited a squirrel by throwing a rock at it.

The other squirrels gasped in horror.

The smited squirrel keeled over with a little itty-bitty wee cry of being smited, sounding something like "WAAAAALAAAAARGGHTTUUUUURNNG!"

Kenshin winced in pity for the fuzzy little itty-bitty wee thing and snuck away, finally convinced for good that his sensei was truly God.

Much later in life, Kenshin's therapist could never discover why he would NOT stop babbling about some guy being God of Squirrels.

**.x.x.x.x.**

Lexi: I'm sorry I can't mention everyone from last chapter! But the ones who review this chap will actually be responded to! (Le Gaspe!) So, jaenheimer and review!


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